Thursday, February 17, 2011

New Baby-Lesson's Learned - A Fathers Take!

Hello Chatter friends.  Today I am happy to have Guest writer (and my male BFF) offer a funny look at life as a new Dad.
I wanted to share this for two reasons, first Steve is a fantastic writer and second it is always good to have an insight to the male brain durning a huge life changing event.  Especially if that male is your husband. 
I remember my own precious dear having a MAJOR "Culture Shock look on his face from 0-9 months.  Now I sort of understand more or less where he was coming from.
Enjoy Steve's perspective as a new Dad and make sure you visit his blog Baby Vladimir and My Thoughts
"Something tells me, after my vast one month of experience, that is parenthood in general. I am going to start with a list of things I didn’t know and learned in the last few weeks.
• I didn’t know that women bleed from their nether regions for up to 6 weeks after they give birth. Once again, I do not know how you women can do this whole pregnancy birth thing.

• I knew that you weren’t supposed to have sex for at least 6 weeks after the birth. What I didn’t know is that I wouldn’t really notice or care and the reasons are plentiful. Not the least of which is the previous point, as well as sleep deprivation and, for me, the underlying sense of being on the verge of panic for no real reason.

• I didn’t know how much of an effect Leah’s diet had on Vince’s level of gastrointestinal distress. (Women, for the sake of you, your baby and the possibility of sleep, avoid onions and garlic)

• I didn’t know that a woman’s nipple could actually get long enough to actually start to bend under its own weight.

• I didn’t know that mother’s milk does not come out of a single hole, but more like a sprinkler head.

• I didn’t know I could get so comfortable with a woman (even though she is my wife) flopping her boob out in mid sentence and have someone sucking on it and barely notice or care.

• I didn’t know the worst part of the whole pregnancy thing for women, at least Leah, is hemorrhoids. That more than anything is making Leah nervous about even the idea of having a second child.

• I didn’t know the level of guilt I would feel every time the baby is being cared for by me and starts crying and the only thing I can think to do is hand him back to Leah because I think he is hungry.

• It never occurred to me how ridiculously hard it is to figure out how to help someone who has absolutely no way of communicating with you other than screaming. It is like having a senile Italian grandmother under your care.

• I didn’t know how far baby boys could pee. If it were proportionate I would be able to pee from my desk to the office bathroom which is down the hall and has 2 doors.

• I didn’t realize how much I could care less about getting baby poop on me. I do realize this will change and probably fairly soon. But for now it is like being at a cook out and getting French’s mustard with some pepper flecks on my hand. Just wipe it off.

Those of you we talk to on a regular basis know how good and non-fussy Vincent has been over the first month. It has really been amazing. Here is the weird thing though. Even with having a great baby who sleeps pretty well and eats regularly and doesn’t even cry when being bathed, Leah and I still are exhausted, have very little chance of eating at the same time, can’t get through a single 30 minute show with any focus, sleeping for more than 3 hours at a clip is not even dreamt of and I have spent less time doing anything that is about me than I ever thought possible. So, my question is this… How in the world do people with Twins, or fussy babies, or colicky babies keep from just sitting in whimpering pool of their own excrement mumbling “why why why…” I have never had to schedule peeing, or showering, or checking email, or even eating, before. Seriously. Here is the type of conversations that is typical throughout the day. “Can you hold him for a sec, I have to…” or “He is sleeping, so can you stay nearby because I have to…” or “If that dog puts her cold nose on him one more time I am going to rip out her…”
With all of this, I have lost all sense of what is going on in the world. Have we caught Bin Laden? Does the economy still blow? Has my house gained enough value to not be an upside down mortgage anymore? Did the Caps win the Stanley Cup? Have the Cubs won a World Series? Have we found Hoffa? Thank God for the Internet. With that I can find out what happened while I am getting used to being a father.

Stephen Marchesani - Husband to Leah, Father to Vincent (now age 1 1/2)

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